Monday, June 27, 2016

Loneliness hurts

People are alone when they are born. They are alone when they die and all the times in between. Life has taken a turn. It has changed me from who I was to who I am. I don't even recognize the person I have become. From that happy go lucky person, I have become this one hell of a mess. I don't know what's going on in my life. I don't know what to do with my life.
  One moment everything is good and the next every thing comes crashing down. I am tired. Tried of trying to be happy, supportive. Tired of being someone I am not. Every time you see someone you need to smile or else the suspicion arises. The amazing fact is no one ever realizes that something is wrong.I don't know when I started becoming so good at faking emotions. It's tiring. People say they are there for you and that they care but no one really is there except for you. Everyone has problems in their lives. They are caught up in their own to notice yours. That emptiness, that numbness is difficult to express. I don't feel anything. I don't want to make an effort to be happy, to see hope. It's depressing. I want to see myself in a hospital bed. Not that I want to kill myself or anything but I don't know why. How SICK is that? There is no one to talk to. I know they will listen if I talk to them but they already have their own share of problems so I don't see a point on trying to add up to that. I want to get high. So high that I don't remember who I am or what is going on. Sometimes it scares me that people might notice. Notice that I am not who I once was. I don't know how to get back to who I was. I feel like I am pushing everyone away and I don't even know why.
   Feels like after all this ends, I will be alone once again to deal with my problems. Surrounded by so many people yet so alone. It sucks as much as it hurts. But then it's just you for yourself.