Wednesday, August 10, 2016
Monday, June 27, 2016
One moment everything is good and the next every thing comes crashing down. I am tired. Tried of trying to be happy, supportive. Tired of being someone I am not. Every time you see someone you need to smile or else the suspicion arises. The amazing fact is no one ever realizes that something is wrong.I don't know when I started becoming so good at faking emotions. It's tiring. People say they are there for you and that they care but no one really is there except for you. Everyone has problems in their lives. They are caught up in their own to notice yours. That emptiness, that numbness is difficult to express. I don't feel anything. I don't want to make an effort to be happy, to see hope. It's depressing. I want to see myself in a hospital bed. Not that I want to kill myself or anything but I don't know why. How SICK is that? There is no one to talk to. I know they will listen if I talk to them but they already have their own share of problems so I don't see a point on trying to add up to that. I want to get high. So high that I don't remember who I am or what is going on. Sometimes it scares me that people might notice. Notice that I am not who I once was. I don't know how to get back to who I was. I feel like I am pushing everyone away and I don't even know why.
Feels like after all this ends, I will be alone once again to deal with my problems. Surrounded by so many people yet so alone. It sucks as much as it hurts. But then it's just you for yourself.
Tuesday, February 23, 2016
Sunday, January 31, 2016
Today, while I was returning from college on a public bus. I got the window seat. On the way a man got in the bus. He must have been above 35. He sat beside me. I had put on my earphones and was listening to music. After few minutes he started pushing me. I thought he felt uncomfortable in the seat and so was trying to adjust. I ignored it. Again after a moment he started doing the same. He was putting all his effort on pushing me. I looked at his face but he turned the other way. Slowly, his hands started moving. He was rubbing his elbows on my waist and was trying to move up. Thankfully my arm was in between. He was trying to reach it but I firmly put my hand in between. He still tried to push me and kept rubbing his elbows. I put all my effort in blocking him and to some extent I was able to do that. I thought I had made him understand that I wasn't comfortable but then he started rubbing his legs against mine. I shifted my legs but he did not quit. I felt like screaming at him but I couldn't. All the muscles in my body was screaming. I tried to speak but my voice betrayed me. No words came out of my mouth. I was helpless. I have never felt so helpless in my life. I wanted to react but for some reason I couldn't. I tried raise my voice but I couldn't. Something was holding me back. Maybe it was the fact that I was in a public bus or maybe it was something else. Now that I think of it. I regret not having reacted to that situation. The first chance I got to shift from that seat I did.
I really wish I had reacted. Everyone should react. I couldn't and I regret it. And I promise myself that if something like that ever happens to me which I hope never happens to anyone I will react. I will make sure that person never has the guts to do something like that ever again. That is an act of sexual harrasment and I vow never to stay silent.